Things You Should Never Say to a Disabled Person
Unfortunately, I can say that I’ve heard some version of most of the phrases listed below. And while I try to be tolerant, coming into middle-age, my patience is waning. The reality is (and I can’t believe I have to say this), interacting with a disabled person is not different from interacting with anyone else, yet many people often feel unsure about what to say or how to act. Normally I shy away from speaking for all disabled people, but on this point, I feel pretty confident: Disabled people want the same respect and courtesy afforded to everyone else. In the disability community, we call it “disability etiquette.” Whether at home, school, or in the office if you want to foster respectful and positive interactions with disabled people, here are some phrases and questions that are best to be avoided.
“What happened to you?”
This question is incredibly personal and invasive. It assumes that it’s acceptable to delve into someone’s medical history just because their disability is apparent. Disabilities can be related to a range of causes including congenital conditions, accidents, or illnesses, and not every disabled person may want to discuss personal details with a stranger or acquaintance. Instead of focusing on the cause of the disability, engage in general conversation or ask questions you would typically ask anyone you are getting to know.
“I’m so sorry for you.”
Pity is not a feeling that many disabled people appreciate. Saying you feel sorry for someone because of their disability implies that their life must be sad or less fulfilling. Many disabled individuals lead rich, full lives and are not seeking sympathy based on their disability. A more supportive approach is to offer empathy and understanding when appropriate, without assuming they are unhappy or dissatisfied with their lives.
“Can I pray for you?”
This assumes that the individual desires healing or sees their disability as something that needs to be fixed. Spiritual beliefs are deeply personal, and not everyone shares the same outlook on faith, healing, or religion. Furthermore, many disabled people are comfortable with their lives and do not view their disability as a malady needing divine intervention. It’s respectful to keep religious views private unless the other person initiates or invites a spiritual discussion.
“You’re so inspirational!”
While this might seem like a compliment, when said solely because a person has a disability, it can be patronizing. It suggests that their routine activities are somehow heroic, which can be demeaning. Disabled individuals doing everyday tasks—like shopping, working, or enjoying hobbies—are just living their lives, not trying to inspire others by simply existing. Compliment them for their achievements related to their talents, skills, and strengths, not merely for managing a disability.
“Let me do that for you.”
Automatically offering help without asking first can undermine a disabled person’s independence and abilities. It’s always best to ask if assistance is needed before stepping in. A simple “Would you like some help with that?” respects their ability to assess and communicate their own needs. It’s important to wait for their answer and respect their response, whether they accept the help or not. Don’t be offended when they respond, “no.” And don’t ask again. No means no.
“You must be so good at [a skill related to their disability].”
This stereotype can be limiting and offensive. Assuming that a blind person is naturally gifted in music or that a person in a wheelchair must be an excellent wheelchair racer is reductive and overlooks their individual interests, skills, and identity. Disabled people, like all people, have diverse talents and preferences that are not necessarily linked to their disabilities.
“How can you walk when you use a mobility device?”
No, it’s not a miracle. There are many ambulatory wheelchair and mobility scooter users who are able to get up out of their wheelchair or off of their scooter. Assuming that someone is “faking” because they can transition out of or walk without their mobility device is highly ignorant and offensive. I use a power scooter, but I can also walk. I just can’t walk long distances. The tools I need for my Independence are irrespective of the validity of my disability.
“Oh, you don’t look disabled.”
This phrase can be very upsetting to people with non-apparent disabilities. It negates a part of their identity and implies that disability has “a look.” If you are genuinely curious about whether someone is disabled or not (and you really need to know) a better approach is to just ask. I recommend using phrasing something like, “living with a disability” because not everyone identifies as disabled, but they are comfortable with “having a disability.”
“I know you so well I don’t even think of you as being disabled.”
I know many friends and family say this thinking that they are being nice and complimentary. And when I was younger a friend would say this to me, I took it that way. But the older I have gotten and the more comfortable I have become with my disability identity, the more this phrase bothers me. Of course I don’t want my friends or family to only think of me as disabled. However, I don’t want them to negate it either. Being disabled is who I am. It informs, in part, my attitudes, beliefs and perspectives. It has most certainly impacted my life decisions, and it will always factor into the experiences I have in the future. And that is okay. When friends or family acknowledge my disability in an affirming way, it is actually a huge relief for me. It means they see the whole me and are more willing and able to accommodate for my needs without me having to say anything.
“Don’t get a speeding ticket on that thing!”
It’s somewhat common when people see something they are unfamiliar or uncomfortable with, they compensate with humor. Often though, it’s bad humor and at the expense of someone else. In this case, me, when I’m driving along in my power scooter. I can’t tell you how many times a complete stranger has made a point to make sure I hear them when they joke, “no speeding!” as I scoot by. And they always seem perplexed when I don’t laugh along with them.
To sum this blog post up, communicating respectfully with disabled persons isn’t about walking on eggshells; it’s about recognizing their full humanity and avoiding assumptions that can be demeaning or invasive. By steering clear of these phrases and adopting a more thoughtful and respectful approach, you will contribute to positive interactions that respect the dignity and worth of every individual. Being mindful of your words helps create an inclusive environment where all individuals feel valued.
Let’s keep the conversation going! If you are disabled and you have heard something offensive that I haven’t included in this list, please share it in the comments below. I’m sure there are more I haven’t thought of. The world is a big place full of people saying stupid things. :)