Some Pros and Cons of Dating When Disabled
February is the month of love. I know many people think of Valentine’s Day as just another Hallmark holiday— manufactured by the greeting card industry to make a few bucks. But I guess I’m a romantic at heart. I enjoy the holiday because it is all about love. And even though this blog post is about romantic love, I don’t think there is anything wrong with single people taking the day to just love themselves a little bit extra as well.
Whether in February, or any time of year, dating for disabled people comes with its own set of unique challenges and situations. And while I’ve always believed that love is love, and that the core tenants of a relationship (friendship, mutual respect, physical attraction, etc.) are universal, because of the ableist world we live in, dating when you are a disabled person can have societal implications and pressures that non-disabled daters just don’t experience.
The Heart of the Matter
A common refrain you might hear a lot of disabled people say is “we just want to be treated like everyone else.” And the sentiment of that is very true. Yet, in reality, disabled people are not like everyone else. Our experiences inform our views, beliefs and approaches to relationships. We bring a level of empathy, understanding, and depth to a relationship that enriches a bond with a partner in ways that many non-disabled people do not.
When it comes to sharing about your disability with someone you're dating for the first time, there's no one-size-fits-all approach. Some individuals might feel comfortable bringing it up early on, while others may prefer to wait until the relationship has deepened. It's essential to trust your instincts and share at a pace that feels right for you. Being open and honest about your disability can help foster understanding and authentic connections. Remember that how and when you choose to disclose is entirely up to you; prioritize your comfort and boundaries above all else.
Dating while disabled challenges society's stereotypes about disability and romance by showcasing the depth and complexity of relationships that are often overlooked. When disabled people engage in dating, they bring to light the misconceptions and prejudices that society holds regarding their romantic lives. By actively participating in the dating world, they demonstrate that love, connection, and intimacy are not limited by physical abilities or differences. Unfortunately, there is a common myth that many disabled people are asexual. This is often one of the most prejudicial beliefs that disabled daters face and must address early on in a new romantic relationship. I encourage open and respectful communication when talking about sex. Every couple will figure out what is right for them.
I’ve often said that disabled people are some of the most creative problem-solvers I know. This is no different when thinking of disabled dating. Whether it is two disabled people dating each other, or one disabled person and one non-disabled person, the necessity for creativity in overcoming obstacles can foster resilience, adaptability, and empathy in both partners. Embracing these challenges together can strengthen the bond between individuals and deepen understanding and communication within the relationship. In my experience this often leads to a more fulfilling and inclusive partnership.
It’s not all wine and roses
Unfortunately, accessibility challenges don’t cease to exist just because a person is on a date. In fact, the practicality of going on dates can pose significant challenges itself. From inaccessible venues to transportation difficulties, these obstacles can put a damper on the dating experience. Especially when we have an overly romanticized “Hollywood” version of how a first date is supposed to go. Making sure that each person feels empowered on their date, given the limitations of access is still very important for the date to be a success. Proper prior planning, flexibility and clear communication can help set the whole evening up for success.
As I’ve already mentioned, disabled individuals frequently encounter misconceptions and biases about their ability to be in and enjoy romantic relationships. Let’s face it— dating can be hard enough. Let alone when you are made to feel that you shouldn’t even be dating in the first place. Battling these stereotypes can be emotionally taxing and affect self-esteem and relationship dynamics. It is important for disabled people in the dating scene to have some positive role models they can confide in when they are feeling insecure.
Lastly, and perhaps most disappointing, it's not uncommon for disabled people to confront attitudes of pity or fetishization while dating. Disabled individuals often find themselves objectified or seen as "inspirational" solely based on their disabilities, reducing their identities to a mere fetish. This dehumanizing experience not only disregards their individuality but also perpetuates harmful stereotypes. It is essential for society to recognize and respect disabled individuals as whole people with their own desires, boundaries, and complexities, rather than reducing them to mere objects of curiosity or sexualization. Disabled individuals deserve to be valued and loved for who they are, beyond their disabilities.
So, whether you welcome Cupid’s special day, or choose to just flip him the bird, I think it is important to remember that at the heart of every relationship is the universal desire to be seen, understood, and appreciated. Dating when you are disabled impacts a couple’s journey to discovering more about each other. The destination of that journey, however, is the same for all of us—a loving, fulfilling partnership.
Happy Valentine’s Day to all. — xoxo, Jody